Today was a good day.  I have my bad days and my good days and today was a good day.   I had my first what they call treatment on 7/31/08 and it was not good after it was over.  This was like chemo and when I got home boy was it a rough night.  I really never hurt like that in my life.  I remember telling my husband that I felt like I was dying and he kept telling me it was going to be alright.  I could not wait for morning as if that was going to stop the pain.  The next day was not too bad but it had it's bad.  I have really not had a good day since I have been going to the doctor's office.  I started going to the Cancer Treatment Center in Oklahoma and now I am going to UT Southwestern in Dallas.  It scares me because I really felt safe at CTC but UT Southwestern is closer to home and I want to be closer for my children and grandchildren.  I will eventually have to have some surgery that I am not looking forward to but at least I'll be close where my children can come and visit.  Well I really don't have much to say for my first day so I'll save the rest for another. 

Be blessed.

          Here we are another day and I Thank God for this day.  I really thought a lot about this website and how I was going to write things.  I want this website to be a tool of communication to the people I love for them to understand how I feel and what I am going through.  Lots of people say "if you need anything, just call me," but it is not that easy.  There really isn't much anyone can do when I'm going through this.  I depend on my God to get through and He has always come through for me.  Some of you may not understand what I am saying but I believe that God prepares us for the difficult times.  I have had the privilege of giving advice to many people in my life.  God has given me a gift to be able to communicate with young people and in my life I have done just that.  I guess it was easy since I kind of been there done that and was able to tell them what I did to fix it.  Then God gave me children who unfortunately had some trials and challenges that I had to help them.  But most of all God prepared me by giving me good spiritual parents.  I know you are probably saying what are spiritual parents?  Well they are people who dedicate their lives to Jesus and in the process they teach other people how to have a true relationship with HIM.

          My spiritual parents are Robert and Melinda Menchaca.  I met them one day their church where I was invited to see a drama.  I knew about Jesus but I really never knew Jesus.  That sounds confusing I know but some of us know Jesus but we really never know HIM like He wants us to.  When I came to the Menchaca's I was a very lonely, depressed woman.  It seemed as if something was missing out of my life and I could not control my feelings.  I started attending Praise Chapel (that is the name of the church) after the drama because for some reason something inside of me was finding something there.  The more I attended the more I found it; it was a relationship with Jesus.  I wasn't perfect and some of you might say going to church doesn't mean that Jesus is only there.  But the more I listened and the more I studied the bible the more I began to understand my purpose in life and it came with what I call PEACE.  Now don't get me wrong just because I found Jesus did not mean that other problems did not come they came but I was able to handle them and know that I had a Heavenly Father who knew what was best for me.  I did not have to worry about anything because HE had it under control.  Look it up in Jeremiah 29:11 it is written right there.  Since then I am able to face whatever life throws at me and not lose my mind over it. 

          When the doctor came to me that day in May to tell me that I had cancer my heart just stopped.  I felt as if she had just given me my death ticket.  I remember her trying to explain to me everything that was going to happen or needed to happen and all I could hear was babble.  I never heard a word she said after "Ms. Martin it is cancer."  I was numb and all I could think of was my children.  I went home having to tell my poor mother and that was not an easy thing to do.  My mother felt like me that day when I told her.  We both felt like the world was just falling and no one could help us.  After sitting with my sister's and my mom that day and telling them everything that I could remember the doctor telling me we just all sat in confusion.  I had never felt lost in my life and I have had some trials to deal with but this one was the big one.  I remember that night asking God "Why me?"  All I wanted to know why me?.  Well believe it or not God answered and I listened and HE said "I know the plans for you."  That was all I needed and I was able to wake up next morning and do what I had to do to get myself healed.  Now don't get me wrong I think about this cancer all the time especially that it could spread in other places but I don't dwell in it.  I just spend time with God and He gives me what I need to carry on.  People say they are not afraid to die but I am only because of the people I leave behind. 

          My prayer is that I leave something behind that will help someone else get through life and I hope this will be the way with this website.  From now on I'm going to do all the things that I want to do and make wonderful memories with this precious time God gives me.  You should do the same, forgive those who have hurt you and ask those to forgive you for hurting them.  This is a start and I want to do the same today.  I want to ask all of you that are reading this today to forgive me for ever hurting you and I forgive you forever hurting me.  I thank God for all the people that are reading this today.  I pray you bless them in their lives in whatever they are in need of I stand in agree with them and ask for you to hear their prayers.  Keep them all in good health and from evil.  And thank you for my spiritual parents, for their dedication to you and for helping someone like me find you.  In Jesus name AMEN.   

Love you till next time

                Well guys, it has been another day, Thank you Heavenly Father.  I really had a good day today.  I put up a picture of my dog.  I know some of you are saying "why a dog?"   Well I've been reading everything that deals with cancer and in the books it told me to get a dog because they will love you unconditionally.  She isn't very big but she is bad.  She's a cutie.

                Today I thought about someone very dear to me and I wanted to share this with you guys.  This probably won't be the first story you hear from me because I plan to tell a lot of them to you that will listen.  Well, this is about my grandmother and I think that the reason I thought about her today is because in my time with God I remember lots of people that God has brought to my life to help me.  Now at the time we don't see how these people help us because it's usually all about us, but later in life you can look back and somewhere you will find someone that helped you along the way.  My grandmother had made many bad choices and some of them got her in trouble as she began to grow up and have children but she grew up this way.  She grew up poor and really did not have an education she just knew how to survive the way my great grandmother did.  My grandmother never owed her own house and she never owed her own car.  From what I remember her and my grandfather never learned to drive.  But my grandmother was an amazing woman to me.  She taught me to love my children and support them always.  She taught me to be strong because I saw her go through some tough times and she still kept it together for all of us.  I remember when my father died, which is my grandmother's younger son, my grandmother really never cried all she would say is that my dad was in a better place with God.  Then in the next couple of years she lost my aunt, which is her first daughter, in an accident then her youngest daughter to cancer.  My grandmother took care of my aunt with cancer all the up to the day she died and my grandmother stayed strong.  I remember asking myself why she never cried.  So I asked her one day and she told me that she knew she would see them again so there was no reason to cry.  I really never understood this until today.  All the things that I saw my grandmother go through never affected her in a way to where she would just sit around depressed or even turn to other things just to forget.  When I was having any trouble such as with my 1st marriage or my kids and I would go to her she would tell me to pray to God and trust HIM and HE would help me.  Now don't get me wrong my grandmother never went to church but she believed in God.  I remember her always praying for all of us.  The most important thing that I remember about my grandmother is that she would spank me when I needed it and she would love me like no one could.  She loved me unconditionally and she meant it with her whole heart.  I thank God for her because I am stronger because of her.  This is the way our Heavenly Father is, He spanks us when we need it but HE loves us like no one else can.  Always treasure the advice of people who have a track record or experience of life.  What I mean is take advice from those who show in their lives of living right not just barely living.  Don't just take advice from people who don't love you or care because good advice will make a difference in the long run.  God has been so good to me to give me all kinds of people in my life and as we go on my journey you will hear about them.  My grandmother is no longer with me but every day I know that she is with me because she's my guardian angel taking care of me.   

    Thank You Lord for my grandmother and all the grandmothers out there who are on their knees praying for their unsaved love ones.  Grant them their prayers and give them strength to carry their families through the tough times.  I pray blessing on all grandmothers who's hearts are hurting that God will comfort them and give them peace.  Love you all and God bless.

 Until next time

            Praise God!  How are you guys?  Sorry I did not communicate yesterday but I really don't get time to sit at the computer to write.  Well I have been looking at all the comments that everyone has wrote and I'll tell you I did not know how people felt about me until now.  I really don't feel that I have done anything special but just been there and cared when people needed it.  I am the one who feels privileged when I am able to share something of me to others and it helps them.  That is my prayer to God always that I be what He wants me to be.  Everything I've ever done for someone is because I have wanted to not because I had to.

            I remember when my kids were little I use to get them to get rid of their old clothes and we would take them to the church for others.  My kids grew up with me always helping others and they would too.  They would bring home friends to talk to me about their troubles.  I remember always having lots of kids at our house when dinner time came around and believe me they knew when we ate dinner.  But it was something that my whole family grew up doing from my grandmother, dad, mom, sisters and brother.  We would always help someone when in need.  That was one thing that I liked about my Pastors the Menchaca's they were the same way.  I remember leaving the church for weeks and coming back and they would always welcome me with open arms and never judge me.  They just always made me feel like family with them.  I miss them sometimes especially now that I have health issues but I know they are doing the work that God attended them to do and I'm happy about that.

            Ever since I got this disease I have thought about my life and how much God has done for me.  I think about each of you that I have in my life and I am grateful to God.  I think this way because every time I have to go to the doctor I am scared that they will tell me that the cancer has spread somewhere else.  Don't get me wrong I know that it is in God's hands but I am not naive to the fact that it can happen.  I don't spend all my days worrying about it but I do think about it.  Listen, life is too short sometimes so my advice to you is live each day like there is no tomorrow.  Love your family and friends everyday you think about them and pray for them every night.  Don't wait until something bad happens to see family and friends have people over and entertain them, just be happy because you don't know when your number comes up.  I'm happy I really don't sit around and just feel bad for myself because I have cancer.  It's bad and I know that but I try to go on with life as much as I can because my trust is in God and He hears me.  Life is full of ups and downs we just have to make a choice of how we are going to react to them.  We can sit around and just die or we can just continue to live until we can't no more.  This is what I'm going to do is live each day God gives me and help each person he sends and worship HIM always no matter what comes in my life. 

            Thank Lord, for all my family and friends and I pray right now that if any of them need something Lord that you grant them their prayer.  I stand in agreement with my brothers and sisters in their petition to you, Lord.  I pray you bless each of them and keep them from evil.  I thank you for each one of them and pray for strength and wisdom for each of them.  I ask this in Jesus' name, AMEN.

                Praise God! I'm back!  How are my peeps?  I just learned that word do you like it?  Well I was doing fine until I got a call from the doctor today.  I have to go in on Wednesday, August 20th for my mediport.  Well for those who do not know what that is let me explain.  What they do is something like minor surgery where they give a local anesthesia and then they have to make what they call a small incision in your chest and put this device under the skin.  The reason for the device is so they don't have to go through my veins when I get chemo treatment.  This device is handy for them to hook the infusion machine and since I have to go every month this just makes it easier for me and them.  I really am scared and I don't like the idea that it takes 1 hour for the procedure and then an hour in recovery.  Well just pray for me because I have to do that and then when they finish I will start my chemo.  Wednesday is not going to be a good day but I'm going to make the best of it.  I really don't like all this because I have never had surgery or ever been cut at all other then when I had my kids.  But I somehow know that it's going to be okay because I got my big God and my Big Husband and that's all I need.

                I got to talk to my cousin Carmen last night.  I know you might be saying "so," but to me that was a big deal.  We have not really seen each other for a long time basically because she has her family and I have mine but when we get together it's wonderful.  We always talk about our children or about church.  I really miss her because she was so much fun to be with and we laughed about everything.  I remember her Mother Helen, which was my grandmother's younger daughter that died from cancer, when we were kids my grandmother use to threaten us by saying that if we did not behave (I was a pill) she was going to send us to her house.  My aunt was one of those aunts that did not play.  When you walked in her house she had plastic on all her furniture and on the floor in the living area.  No lie.  She would make you take off your shoes before entering her house and her house was always clean.  She taught me how to make tortillas round, I kid you not, she would have a switch and she would watch my cousins and I roll the tortillas and if we got it wrong she would swat us with that switch.  I tell you that she only got to swat me a couple of times because I got the hang of it quick.  I can make my tortillas round, boy.  Now don't call me and ask for me to make them because I won't.  I Just wanted you to know that I can.

                Well believe it or not even though my aunt was real strict in her rules, it taught me a few things and I learned from watching her example of life.  She taught me to take care of the things I had and I taught my children the same way.  She taught me discipline and at the time I thought she was crazy but I believe that God put her in my life at that moment to teach me.  I believe that if I did not have that time with my aunt and saw how she kept her things and how she taught her children to take care of their things I probably would not have that tool in my life.  She was a church going person and she took her children to church even though they did not like it, she took them.  And that is what I do with my children and I'm grateful for that from her.  She did not care if her husband did not go she would pack her children and she was at church every Sunday up until the day she died.  This is what I remember of my Aunt Helen, bless her soul.

                Thank you Jesus for my Aunt Helen!  I pray for all the aunts out there who have to take care of kids like me.  I pray that you give them strength to be an example to their children, nephews and nieces.  God bless all the good aunts who want the best for their family's children and do just that to help them.  I pray you grant them peace.  In Jesus name we pray, AMEN.

Until next time.

     Praise God for today!  It's been a good day.  I was able to go to bible study and have a wonderful fellowship with some of the ladies at church.  I really needed this because I have been kind of down today.  Not really feeling bad but I had been thinking about me being a mother.  As you guys know I have been blessed to have had 7 children except what you don't know is only 6 of them are living.  I had a still birth at 9 months and had to have a normal delivery, the only thing was that the baby was born dead.  I know that sounds terrible and at the time it really was a rough time for me but now that I am able to look back it was an experience that not only brought me closer to God but made me stronger.   Now this was not what I was thinking about today what I was thinking about was how I as a mother along with other mothers out there tell our children what not to do and they do what they want.

     Let me make it clear.  I tried so hard to raise my children to respect, love and be compassionate to others but I think I forgot to teach them to be that way with me.  This is why I say that.  Have you ever notice how children these days are so disrespectful and disobedient toward people.  I have been on a bus ride where I have had young people sitting next to me and they would talk like sailors in a bar to each other without ever recognizing that I was sitting there.  I remember if that would have been me and a grown up was near me to hear me I would be embarrassed.  I remember when the neighbors use to report anything I did wrong to my grandmother or they would come out and get on to me.  It seems as if kids these days are not raised to appreciate what they have and we as parents don't show them because maybe we don't do it.  Some of us such as me do everything for them because something bad happened in their lives and we want to make up for it.  For instance, maybe their father left them or their mother and they had to be raised by a single parent or a grandparent.

     I was watching Bishop Eddie Long today and he made me think about something that I really never thought about before and that was that we as parents have to teach our children about morals but not with words with our own example of life.  I wonder sometimes if I have done everything right by my children so that they will do right with their own children.  Well I have come to the answer that I had and if they do not do right by their children then they would have to answer to them.  My kids still have problems in their lives and they really have not realized how lucky they are yet but they will, we all do at one point or another.  I'm proud of my kids, I wish they would do what I think is best but I have come to know that won't happen...but I know they will find their way.  I know in my heart that I have done everything to sow good in my kids but if they chose to go another way I believe they will make their way back because I leave them to God and I know that He will tend to them.

     People talk about generational curses on families and some believe when they grow up doing wrong it's because everyone in their family was like that.  For example:  If my father was an alcoholic then that would mean that I would be an alcoholic and then my kids would be but that is a lie.  We make our choices in life of what we want to do to make ourselves succeed.  We can't continue to blame family curses for what we are doing because it's our choice to have kids at 15 or go drinking with buddies when we know that just leads to trouble.   We have a choice and we control our own lives we don't need to let other talk us into things that are not good for us.  There is a verse in the bible that reads:

Psalm 78:5

For He (God) established a testimony (an express precept) In Jacob and appointed a law in Israel, commanding our fathers that they should make (the great facts of God's dealings with Israel) known to their children, That the generation to come might know them, that the children still to be born might arise and recount them to their children, that they might set their hope in God and not forget the works of God, but might keep His commandments --" And might not be as their fathers(mothers) --" a stubborn and rebellious generation, a generation that set not their hearts aright nor prepared their hearts to know God, and whose spirits were not steadfast and faithful to God.

    This means that the testimony that was established in Jacob came from experience he had with God.  Jacob knew of all the good deeds that God had done for him and he continued to follow God.  But this was something that Jacob had to tell and teach his children so they would in turn teach their grandchildren and so on.  This is what would stop this curse on families as they see it.  This is why we need to pray for our children and teach and show them all that God has done for us by putting God first in our lives.  I know this sounds like a lot but I really believe this verse and as you study it and pray over it you will understand it too.  I hope this helps you. 

    Father, I thank you for all families.  I pray for everyone who reads this and I pray that you will bring revelation to them about your Word.  I pray for blessings on each family and I break any generational curses that the devil is trying to put on these families, in the name of Jesus.  I pray of strong families and families that come to find you, Father.  I praise you Father because you hear us when we call and you answer.  Thank you, Jesus for all that you do and for what you continue to do.  We ask in Jesus name, AMEN..

Here we are another day, it's Sunday, December 13, 2009 and it was not a good day for me. I woke up feeling bad, I had a headache and my body did not want to do what I wanted it to do. Sometimes these medicines that these doctors give you take a toll on the body and it takes a lot longer for you to get started when you wake up than it did before. I don't like this and sometimes I really get frustrated with feeling like this but then I take a deep breath and I just get myself going. While doing this I usually spend my time praying for people especially this morning. I was invited to my niece's house and was so glad to visit her. She just got her first apartment and was so happy about it. I took her something for her house and was able to sit and talk to her. What I found when I walked in was disappointing to me was my son and my nephew drinking. Now this was not what bothered me as much as it did to walk in and find them sitting there with the sad music. It seems as if my family has this thing about having to have music that brings memories of the past along with drinking, this is the way it has been since I was a kid. Let me see if I can explain, I was raised in a atmosphere of people drinking all the time and fighting all the time. I spent most of my life trying to stop my family from fighting or beating themselves up. I remember being young and when Friday would come I would get this ugly feeling in the pit of my stomach because I knew that it was going to be nothing but drinking for the next few days until Sunday and sometimes Sunday. I also remember that when they use to fight or if I thought they were going to fight I would find a place to hide because I did not want to see them hurt themselves. I hated them drinking and I was not able to say that because in them days it was just like this and we children did what we were told. I saw my mother get beat up by my father once and I remember hiding her so he would not hit her again and I would pray that he would go to sleep because I knew that if morning came it would be better. I had days when my grandmother and grandfather along with my uncles and aunts, they would all get to drink and then when they were drunk they would start arguing and then the fists came out. I hated being this way, every time my family got together it was drinking and then they would remember something and that's all it would take for them to go crazy. My sisters grew up and then they began to repeat the cycle all over again. Now my kids are doing the same thing. Back then it seemed like all the grownups in my life did not care that much about us to change anything. It seem like they knew something was not right like my dad hitting my mom but they would not interfere, it was like they would turn their back. But as soon as someone got paid the drinking was on. I remember when I was growing up I swore to myself that if I had kids I was not going to let them go through what I went through. When I got married and became pregnant I remember promising my baby before he was born to take care of him and make sure that he would never have to worry about anything. I remember telling my son when he was born that I would always be there and would never let him go through what I went through and I kept that promise. He never saw me or his dad get drunk and fight and leave them alone to fend for themselves. I made sure that I was always there for my kids and made sure that they lived in better places and that I would better myself for them. I made sure that my son's had good memories at school, like when my oldest wanted to deliver roses to his girlfriend for Christmas and I helped him. Or when they wanted to play basketball, I made sure I was there. When they got in trouble in school, mom was always to the rescue, when they cried and wanted someone to talk to mom was there. I made sure that I was there when they were young until they grew up and the boundaries no longer were the same. Now they are grown and picked their own path and the path that they have picked was not what I had taught them. It seems as if all I did to make sure they had and were happy did not help them. I don't blame myself because I know that I did everything I could to give them the best I could and now what they do is their own doing. I don't like that they do the things that they do and they don't see themselves doing anything wrong and if it was just them then I would not care but they have my grandchildren who are the next generation. What they don't understand is that everything they do, children will repeat. From the beginning this family has always done a lot of bad things and don't get me wrong there was some good but there was no back bone, never did one of them stand up and say "it stops here" we will not let this family keep going down this path. Everyone just did what they knew and what those before them did and really never stepped back and asked themselves what do we want to leave behind, what kind of legacy do we want our future generation to know about us. I'm tired of seeing the same thing being repeated over and over again, I did my part by not repeating the same thing over and over again only for my kids to repeat it for their children. I don't care if people get mad about what I'm saying, it's the truth, ask yourself, have you made progress from five years ago? Are you doing the same thing that you were doing five years ago, and what has it got you? Are you better, worse or the same? If your answer is still doing the same thing then don't you think you should take responsibility for what you're not doing and start doing the right thing to fix it? It's all up to you; you can keep doing what you're doing and get what you're getting or change it for the better. Listen, I've have seen a lot and it was not good and when I was 27 years old and I did not want to live like this anymore there was so much going wrong in my life and I was not happy and did not know what to do. But I remember getting on my knees and asking God to help me. I remember it like it was yesterday a pastor was on the TV, yes the TV, and he was saying things that were touching my heart like he was talking directly to me. Then he said that if you want to have a better life that he had the answer and he told people to give their lives to Jesus and to get on your knees and repeat what he said. I remember that I wanted this Jesus thing so bad and I wanted it now so I got on my knees as silly as it was and I repeated all the pastor said and I remember this feeling of a warm blanket come over me. It felt like someone had reached down and touched me and took all that hurt, anger, sorrow, and depression, every bad thing that hurt me was just lifted it away. I remember falling on my face and crying so much like I was getting all of it out and it seemed like I cried for an hour but when I finished it seemed as if when I opened my eyes I could see things different. It seemed as if I could see outside and things were clearer for me. I felt so good and new and I know that you think this is funny but it is true from then I began to look for a church so that I could learn more, it seemed as if I yearned to know more about Jesus. I found a church and the more I learned the more I loved Him and things started to become easier to handle and not a tragic thing to me. Now, don't get me wrong, I still had problems but I was able to handle them without thinking that I was going crazy or that the world was going to end. Now don't get me wrong, I love my family though I believe that they are stuck and they don't know any better than what they are doing and that's what's sad. I'm not going to give up; I'm going to keep praying and believing by faith that they will see the light one day and come to know Jesus who is the light. I believe that if I did not have my wonderful relationship with my God as I do now that I would not be able to handle what's going on with me. You think I want to die this way, you think it's easy to know that one day these medicines might give up. Don't you think that I think about not making it one day and what I'm going to do if this happens? I think about that all the time, I think about what my little girl Vicki would do without me, since she's the baby. I think about how she would feel on her graduation day when mom is not there. I think about her wedding day when mom won't be there to help her pick out her dress. I think about all my children, my other daughter, when she has her first baby, will I be there to help her? When my son's buy their first house, or open their first business, will I be there to support them and tell them how proud I am. Or my grandchild when they have their birthdays and grandma is not there to help sing Happy Birthday. Some people just don't know how good they have it until they hear someone else's story. I'm happy and content and if I don't get to do these things I know in my heart that my God will make sure that they are taking care of. Amen, I can't worry about them, I just have to believe and do the best I can with the time I have until then. Don't take things for granted and the reason I tell these stories is because I believe by faith that it will help someone and they will be able to relate and maybe wake up and say, I want change and I'm going to do all I can to get it. I praise God for He is good. Until next time.

Feeling really bad today, I guess it's because it's my third treatment of navelbine. That stuff is not good. I don't think I had as many bad days with the texitere as I did with this one. I did have a productive conversation with my daughter today. It seems as if she is just dragging her feet. I want her to be more proactive in getting a job and she just wants to wait around for one to fall on her lap. I was trying to explain how I want nothing but the best for her and if she does not start moving her but she is going to be left behind. When I was her age I already had a child and I was trying to get back into school and get my diploma though I got my GED. I wished to have walked across stage with cap and gown but no I knew better and I was in love and I wanted to be grown up. Boy was I wrong and now I wish I could have had some brain and finished school. But I did the next best thing I got my GED. I then decided that I wanted to work in a big company and I started volunteering in the school where my son started kindergarten. I really wanted to work for the school district because it was a good job and a good place to start working. I have an older sister and I always admired how smart she was and how she worked for big companies. I really watched her when I was younger and saw how she was not scared to work anywhere and she always had the confidence that she could do it. I wanted that and I did, I want out and did not know a thing about working in schools or secretarial skills but I was determined to learn. After volunteering at the school, by the grace of God the principal of the school loved how I worked and offered me a job. He told me that I was a go getter and would not refuse to do anything that he told me to do. He sent me to the school administration office and I got the job. The job was a teacher's aide but I had my eye on the secretary job and I worked my way up. I did all I could to learn that job even if it meant missing my lunch time, I was going to learn that job. After about two years I became a secretary and then from then on I kept going up the ladder. I never stopped in improving myself; from there I applied for a job with another company paying more than what I was making and started there. Every job I had I worked years before I moved on to better, I never just worked in one place and then move to something else that was worse. I tried to tell my daughter that, she needed to get determination in her to make herself better. I never gave up even when things seemed like they were not touchable I kept going for it until I got it. I told her that I'm the woman I am today because I all I had to go through. Life is tough and you have to do what you have to do to make it. I made my kids my life's goal. I bettered myself for them, to give them better. I never sat back and felt sorry for myself and I never stopped trying when I failed at something. Even after their father left us I kept going with them. I pick my kids up, like picking them up in my arms and I kept going never looking back to what happened. After their father left us, I pick myself up and I depended on God and I put my thoughts together on what I had to do and I just did it. I did not have time to think about their father gone, or why he left I just thought about what I had to do to make sure my kids did not skip a beat. I stayed in the same house so they could stay in the same school and then when God told me it was time to go from there to another place I moved my kids. They have never had to do without because their father was gone. I made sure that I worked and gave them a home with food and love. They can never say their mother left them and we suffered because she was not there. Some people tell me that I should have let them fall a couple of times instead of saving them all the time and maybe they would have learn to be responsible. Well my answer to that is that I loved my kids and I know they will get it one day and be responsible for themselves though I'm their mother and that's my job to be there. Now don't get me wrong a mother should not save their kids out of everything and there are boundaries in life that change with age. When kids are young they need their mothers to help them, like teach them their colors, or with homework or decisions on what class to take. When they reach an age to have relationships with others and have children then the boundaries change and mother is only there for support such as advice or a sounding board. Mothers don't make decisions on how they should raise their children, or what job they should take or what house they should live in, these are things that grownups do. Mothers are there to comfort and advise them as they go and spoil the grandkids. Sometimes though we mothers think that our kids are still kids and we want to treat the like we did when they were younger forgetting that they have a family and they are not our young kids no more. We want to tell them how to live and who to marry and how to treat their kids. This is wrong because this is their life and their chose and they need to make their mistakes like we did. I just want my daughter to believe in herself like I have always told my children when they were growing up. Mom was always cheering them on in whatever they wanted to do. I don't know how long I have and I want her to be a strong woman and to be able to believe in herself and not a man. I told her that I wish I could write a book with all the answers to every problem that she is going to have but I can't I can only tell her about my life and how I got to where I am today. Life goes on rather I live 2 days or 10 years life will go on and my children will go on and I want to leave them with something that they can hang on when they come to a road of decision and that is, "what would my mother have done." I have been blessed with wonderful kids, granted sometimes you would not think so when they do some things that are dumb but all in all I have wonderful kids. They are learning and I believe that they will, with the help of God of course, be wonderful adults. It's going to take a couple of them to hit their heads a couple times to get it, but then I did the same, but I think they will get it. I just hope I'm here to see it.

Have you ever felt sad but really don't know why? It's like your soul is sad but your surroundings are happy. I feel that way, as I was spending my time with my God in prayer I began to feel this sadness and I could not understand why. It's not hard to find something to be sad about but I'm not looking. Some people think that I spend most of my time being sad about my situation but I don't. You know what I spend my time thinking about? I spend my time thinking about how I can help someone or who can I call and give an encouraging word to. I want to do so much next year and one of these projects is to raise money to help others. My passion has always been to help young people and I was blessed at one time to do that a couple of years ago. I decided some years ago that I was going to help at risk kids and I did and I started in my neighborhood. I opened my doors of my house and would help every kid that needed help in things like getting back into school, getting a job, learning the bible or just listen to them. They would come over just to eat sometimes. My boys had a lot of friends and I loved helping them. I was so involved in my church that I was there six days a week doing whatever I could to help my pastors. And now ever since I was diagnosed it seems as if my world has stopped. My God and I have spent more time now than all the time I was doing things for people. My relationship with God has been more fulfilling, I feel more connected, I understand now that it's just me and Him. I believe that the sadness that I feel is the same sadness that my God feels when His children don't think about Him. There is so much sadness in the world, like soldiers leaving their families to do their job. People being killed in accidents, people losing their homes, there are people who don't have to give their children for Christmas. I believe my sadness is for those who don't know my Jesus and some of those who wait until it's too late. This Christmas all I want is true salvation for all those who don't know Jesus. I pray this for my family, everyone of them that they find the light and find it before it's too late.

Today is December 26, 2009, a day after Christmas and I feel really bad about not being able to buy my kids or my grandkids presents this year. Money has been tight as I know lots of other people are having the same problem though we are together and that's more important. We did get to spend Christmas day with my in laws and it was a good, we had a wonderful dinner and we all sat together at the same table which was a first. See, when me and my husband first started dating, he's parents were not too keen on the fact that we were dating and then when they found out that I was Mexican that really was not good. When I first went to meet them my father in law decided that he would not be in the house while I was there. Yeah, I know that sounds bad but it gets better. My father in law was a little prejudice on people of color. Well, John and I were in love and we did not care for what they said and John made it clear to them that he loved me and he did not care what they had to say. Then the day I got pregnant was another episode, my in laws did not want us to bring the baby to them. I remember John on the phone with them telling them that if they could not accept the baby he would not go to their house ever again. Well, I thought that was a bit much and I decided after the baby was born to talk John into talking to his parents and taking the baby to them. I remember sitting outside waiting for John and the baby so my in laws could see him. Then after several visits my mother in law came out to the car and we talked, she apologized and we became family. After I had Vicki they really became more comfortable with me. From then on my father in law and I get along better now and I think he really means it, then we did before. I really enjoyed myself with them and I feel like I belong in the family. My mother in law has been taking me to my chemo sessions and we have become close by just talking and she has been a help to us. All the time that was wasted on not liking me and now they would do anything for me. I guess having John Jr. and Vicki helped. LOL Well, I also was glad to have enjoyed myself because on Christmas eve I got some bad news, after having three sessions of chemo my cancer markers are still going up. What that means it that the medicine that I have been taking is not working. To top it all off I have found another lump that seems to be growing. I felt disappointed because I really thought that this medicine was going to work and now I have to tell the doctor on Monday. I'm supposed to start my second session of navelbine on Monday though I don't know what they are going to do when the doctor sees the test. I just felt like my heart went south, I just cried and thought about what was going to happen to me. Are they going to get it to stop this time? I'm so scared and I don't want to die. I know that people say God is not going to let that happen but who really knows the truth. I know my God and I know that He is not going to do this on purpose but we have to be real, it happens. I know how close I am to dying and I hate when people try to make it seem as if I'm making this sound bad when it's not. I feel like I'm being suffocated, like I can't breathe because I know that this medicine is not working and what next. My husband John just held me while I let all this out and he kept telling me that we just had to keep fighting. I ask myself do I have the fight in me. I'm so tired of all the medicine and feeling bad that I don't know sometimes if I can. Does that make me a bad Christian, no. I believe that makes me human and I have to feel this way but do I dwell in it, no. I may feel bad for a little bit and I may have a angry session but after awhile I get over it and this peace comes over me like something is telling me that it's going to be all right. I just don't want to leave my husband, for the first time in my life I am happy and he is what makes me happy. I want to grow old with him. I want to see my little girl grow and I have so much to do yet here on earth. I just have to take a deep breath and chill and take it one day at a time. Well, Monday won't be a day I'm looking forward to but I'm going to put on my armor of God and I'm going to do what I have to do until God calls me home. Until next time.

Today is December 29, 2009. Well, was not able to see the doctor about my tests. He is on vacation until Monday so I have a full week to wait on getting answers. I did get my herceptin and navelbine though my white blood cells were down so they only were able to give me half of the medicine. Navelbine is a booger, it's only been four sessions so far and it's not helping me feel good. This medicine really has side effects that I just can't seem to get use to and it started early. I feel sick, tired, can't eat well without feeling like throwing up. It's just not a good thing. My mother in law went with me to my session and I feel bad for making her feel bad but she was there and I could not help it. What happened was I was so frustrated about not being able to see the doctor and then when the nurse told me that my white cells were down and she was only able to give me half that made me just start to cry. Then I felt bad because I decided to tell my mother in law why I was crying and she just started crying. See, I have never really had a good life. I struggled much of my life with my parents because my father was an alcoholic and my mother would leave us with him because she was tired of him. I've seen things and have experienced things that I would not wish on my worst enemy though my God has brought me through it. A bad childhood, bad marriage, kids going through midlife and I made it through. And now I have a wonderful husband who treats me like I'm someone and he respects me and I'm happy and I have cancer. I've never had such a peace and happiness as I do now with my love John. He has made these past years with him the best years that I've ever had, I'm so happy and content I just can't explain it. Then to know that I will have to leave him is so heartbreaking that I just can't even think about it. I just want to live and spend the rest of my life with John and sometimes I wished that I would have met him years ago so I could have spent more time with him but it is what it is. Well, I'm trusting in you God and I'm putting all I have in your hands and with my faith I believe that this will all work out for the best and your will. Thank you my God for such a wonderful, understanding, caring, loving, trusting, loyal, and funny husband who makes me laugh when I don't want to or think that I can. I believe that as much as John loves me unconditional is the same way you love me my God and that's why I can feel your love through him. I asked John one day, "babe, do you think I take this love for you with me, if I die today" and he said "I think you will because we are connected and I will always have love for you here on earth, that will never change" Thank you my Jesus.

Having trouble sleeping. My body hurts even though they only gave me half my medicine. I'm praising my God and not allowing this pain to get to me. It's hard to ignore though praising my God helps me. I imagine myself singing to him while He sits on His throne. I pretend that I'm His twinkle in His eye and He is just watching sing and dance for Him. I'm dancing with all my heart like I would have danced if my own father was here to see me right now. I remember when I was little my sister's and I use to pretend we were singers and we would play a record and perform for my father. I use to see his face and it would light up like he was so proud of us and this is what I imagine my Heavenly Father doing. Even though I suffer as I do all I can think about is my Jesus and His goodness. Today during bible study something came to me, it was a question that I believe that we all should think about and answer. The question was "if you died today, do you know where you will be going, do you really in your heart know where you will be going?" This is the question I'm going to make sure that all those I love will hear from me. Then when they can't answer I will tell them how they can be sure and that is to repent and ask my Jesus to come into their heart and take control of their lives. I'm going to make it a point to make sure that all those I love know that Jesus' is the answer to all things. I'm living it and no matter how much I hurt or how much this medicine makes me hurt I'm still going to show people that I won't waver from what I believe in and that's that I love Jesus and nothing can change that. Blessings.

Today I thought about a little girl that I loved and was only with me for nine months. Let me explain, people ask me why I say that I have had seven children when I only talk about six. Well, my third child was still born. What that means is that I was pregnant for nine months and at the last appointment with my OB doctor they were not able to hear a heartbeat. I carried my baby girl for eight and a half months then when I went to the doctor for my last appointment, the nurse came in and did her usual by checking the heartbeat of the baby. She was not able to find the baby's heartbeat and I could tell there was something wrong because her face told me that there was something wrong. I felt this fear come over me and I asked her what was wrong and she told me to wait while she went to get the doctor. The doctor came in and he also tried and by this time I knew it was not good. Then the doctor asked me to sit up and ask me if I had someone with me and I told him "no" that I had came by myself. He then told the nurse to call someone on my emergency contact and I then told him to tell me what was going on. The nurse walked out to make the call to my ex-husband and the doctor sat down next to me. He told me "I'm sorry to tell you this but your baby does not have a heartbeat so this would indicate to me that the baby has died." I just froze and could not believe what the doctor was saying to me. All this time I had talked to my baby and I had sung to my baby and had everything ready for her to come home. How could this doctor just tell me that my baby was no longer alive? The doctor told me to go home and he would schedule a sonogram for me and this would confirm what he was saying. I remember all this day like it was yesterday. I remember going home and getting on my knees and asking God "why, help me, make my baby move" I could not believe that my baby was not going to be born. At this time I had my son Ricky who was seven and my son Andrew who was four and they were waiting for the baby. They were all excited about having a girl and being big brothers, I just could not tell them that she was not coming home. My heart hurt and I would lie on my bed and just rub my stomach and hoping that I could bring her to life. I even made myself believe that she was moving and the doctors were wrong. I remember talking to her and telling her not to leave me. So the next day I went to the sono only to see my baby had died and she had been dead for awhile because I remember seeing her toes and fingers deteriorating in the sono. After the sono, I remember crying all the way home and the doctor called to make an appointment for me to aboard my baby. I was to go the hospital and have my baby just like a woman going to have regular labor. They put me in a labor room where I could hear all the other ladies having their babies and they would make announcements over the intercom when a baby was born. They would announce the family's name and if the baby was a boy or girl. When I got to the hospital they had to induce my labor with medicines that made me have a high fever of 104 and I was vomiting and they were putting ice packs around me to keep my fever down. It was awful and while I was there I heard other babies being born and I would just cry could I just knew that my baby was not going to be born. Those ladies were going to take a baby home and I was not going to. Then after two doses of the medicine I remember telling my mom that I could feel that I had the baby and my mom lifted the cover and there she was. I then remember the nurses and doctor coming in and wrapping my baby in a blanket and I asked if I could say goodbye and the nurse gave her to me but I was so sedated that all I can remember is I held her and told her how much I loved her. I remember seeing her though the nurses recommended not opening the blanket but I wanted to kiss my baby goodbye and give her a mother's blessing. I remember praying for her that God would make sure that one day I would see her and then I named her, Daniella Nicole Garica, she was born June 8th 1986. When I finally went home the hardest part was telling my two boys that their little sister would not come home. They cried and then they bounced back and went on with life. I do remember days after I got home without the baby that I had a hard time packing the things that we had for her. I knew that the longer I held on to them the harder it would be to move on. I thought I was the only one sad but one night I woke up and I could hear my oldest son talking and I went to his room to hear what he was saying and I heard him say "God, I really miss my little sister, could you give us another one, we promise to take care of her, if you give us one" I just started to cry and then I realized that I had to make myself strong for my boys. This was a hard thing to do and for months I thought I could hear her but I would pray and ask God to help me and He did. But you know what was so weird and what I think about now is how this happened. I remember when I became pregnant from my daughter Daniella, my father had passed away and I was devastated that I just did not want to go on without him. My father meant so much to me because he loved me unconditionally and maybe one day I'll tell this story, but I had a dream about him after his death. I had this dream that there was someone knocking on my door and when I answered it, it was my father and I was so excited. I told him "daddy, I thought you was gone" and he said "no, flacka I'm right here," he used to call me flacka (skinny in spanish). Then he said "come on outside I want to talk to you." I then walked outside and in front of my house was this big red truck, it was so pretty. I then told my dad how much I missed him and he said "don't worry about me, I'm living well, I'm traveling all over the world just like I've always wanted and I have this truck." My father always wanted to be a truck driver but because he could not read he never did. I then told him that I loved him and he then told me "flacka I want to take little Ricky with me, it's so lonely on the road and I need someone with me." My dad loved my sons especially my oldest because he was the first. " I said "no, daddy, I can't let you take him." And when I said that I had this feeling that I knew my father was dead and if I said yes for him to take my son I would wake up and my son would have died in his sleep. Don't ask why I thought that but I did and I just told him no. Well, then my daddy said "well I have to go now, I just came to tell you that I missed you and that I'm proud of you and you don't have to worry about me, I'm happy." Then we said our goodbyes and he left, and then I woke up and went to check on my son. Well I know this is going to sound funny but after my baby girl was delivered I had another dream and it was father again. I remember he came to me with a bundle in his arms and he was at a distance and he said "flacka, I brought you someone to see you." Then he opened the blanket that was so white and out of the blanket was this little baby girl, she was so beautiful, she had a head of hair that was so black and she smiled at me like she knew who I was, I started to cry but in my heart I knew who she was, she was my Daniella. Then my father said "I'm not lonely any more flacka, I have my granddaughter with me and I promise to take care of her for you, we will be waiting for you." I just cried when I saw her because my mother instinct told me that she was mine. I then felt this peace come over me and after that dream I was able to move on, I did not forget her and I still remember her on her birthday. Life is funny, there are so many clues to things that we don't understand but if we would just sit still long enough for God to speak to us we would be amazed to what we would hear from Him. I've had a lot of chapters in my life and many of them were not good but now as I get older I look back and go through those chapters only to remember how much I've been through. It makes me realize that there is a God because there is no way that I could have gone through all this and not have done away with myself by now. It has made me stronger and able to accept that I can do all things with Christ Jesus.

Until next time.

Letter to Nicolas: Today is my son Nicolas's birthday and I'm so happy to be able to see him turn 16. I praise God for one because I am able to see this day. When Nicolas was born things were not too good in the household. I remember he was about 3 months old when I suffered a stroke and I could not hold him for a while. He also had colic and he cried a lot. I remember not knowing what to do with him because he cried all the time. Then there was when we got custody of Olivia. Olivia was a little thing, she was my sister's baby and let just say my sister was not able to care for Olivia so my grandmother asked me to step in and take her. That I did and my Nicolas was not the baby anymore. Sometimes I feel like I cheated him out of his time of being my baby because I had to care for Olivia. Not that we did not love Olivia but it was Nicolas time and that was interrupted by Olivia. Well, Nicolas is sixteen and he has grown up to be a good young man what huts my heart is that his father doesn't care to call him or come to see him. I'm angry but not enough to give him the time of day or control over me. I know that my Nicolas for a time could not understand why his father just gave up on him but I think that he understands it now. His father is missing out on how good Nicolas is and time with him but I'm grateful to God that Nicolas has not lack anything that he has wanted because God has provided for us. I'm so sorry my Nicolas if I have failed you in anyway and I want you to know that I am so proud of you and what you are becoming. You have so many goals and I am praying that God bless you with all that you need to reach those goals. As your mother I am privileged that you are my son. I wished that things would have been different with you father but I have no control over that though I will be there for you until the good Lord calls me home. Always remember that your mother is praying for you and loves you very much. I pray for nothing but good things into your future my son, and I ask God to keep His hand upon you all the days of your life. Always remember to hold on to God's word and never depart from it. God will carry you as far as you want to go and when no one else is there God will be there. If God forbids and I leave you son before you reach your goals always remember that mommy loves you and is very proud of you. I love you Nicolas and Happy Birthday.

Well, today I learned that after seven treatments my cancer is still progressing. I called the doctor to find out my cancer marker count which is a blood test that is taken to see if the cancer is still active. When I first began the chemo treatment my count was a 53 then at my second treatment two weeks later I was at 81 then my third treatment it seemed to become stable which was a 88 but now after my seventh treatment my count is 122 which is saying that the medicine is not working. I panicked and called the doctor and demanded answers like how far do we have to wait to know that we are in the danger zone and when do we change the medicine to help me live. I'm scared and I'm not afraid to say this, how many people can say "I'm not afraid to die" and really mean it. I'm so mad because I could not find a doctor to answer my questions. My doctor is on vacation until Feb. 15th. All the other doctors don't want to say anything because of fear that I will hold them to it. What do you do? All I can think about is that this cancer is going to keep going and before they can stop it it's going to be everywhere and too late. Yeah, I'm praying and believing and no one out there can say that I'm not and I'm asking God to help me but when you get news like this what can you say. All I can think about is my babies, what are they going to do without me. What do I do to help myself? How can I keep holding on when my body is not helping me? Where is God right now? I know He's listening and I know that He's in control but right now I'm feeling different and everyone can criticize all they want but do you really know what I'm going through, don't judge me unless you have walked in my shoes. I feel right now like my world is coming to an end and tomorrow will be different but right now this is the way I'm feeling. I have to keep this facade that everything is going to be okay and then the doctors have a different view. I want to see that I'm going to make and in my spirit I tell myself this everyday but right now is what I'm not feeling all this. Where are my God, help me to understand and not feel this way. I want to live for my kids especially for my little Vicki who will remember if I leave her soon. I don't want my little girl to forget me, I want to see her grow up, get married, she starts kindergarten this year. Will I see this day? I'm trying to hang on but it seems as if it's beating my God, Help me, I'm crying out to you and need you more then ever. Bring me peace my God that only you can do and help me to stand until the end. I need your guidance my God on which way to go and I need your word to help me through. I know you won't leave me or forsake me and I know that I'm your child and I choose to live and not die. You have given us this choice my God in your word and I choose to live. I have confessed with my mouth that you are the son of God and that you died for my sins and three days later you rose again and now live in my heart. I know that I will be with you if the time comes to go but my Jesus please let me stay with my kids. I want to do your work my God and keeping telling people the goodness of your love. Surround me my Jesus with people of faith that will help me through this and I pray for your mercy and grace on my life. I'm beginning to feel better my Jesus and I thank you and praise you for your peace on my life. Now I know that I can do all things through you and that you are listening my Jesus. I wait on you my God.

 Until next time.

I was able to talk to the doctor today and she informed me that she was going to order the cancer test again on Monday before my chemo in order to see if the markers have gone up more. She told me that if the markers have risen in number what she would do is talk to my doctor about what treatment they would recommend for me. She told me that the next test would also help her to decide if they should order a pet scan in order to see where the cancer may be progressing. I hate these entire tests and they are very important for doctors to determine what they should do next but the patient has to be put through so much and I'm really tired of it. I have been doing this for almost two years and I feel like it's taking a toll. I don't want to give up and yesterday I felt like I wanted to, just throw the towel in and let it take it's course but all I could think about is my little Vicki and what she would do without me. I talked to a friend of mine and I was telling her all this that was happening and she was so nice and suggested that I should work on some things like writing letters and leaving video and she's going to have a friend of hers come and help me do scrapbooks for my children. At first I thought that was not what I wanted to do right now but now that all this is happening I think I'm going to start. I really had been told by my doctor along time ago to start doing things like this but I did not want to face the fact that I might leave my kids. Now, I believe that I should just in case that it gets worse and I won't have time. I guess this is somewhat of a good thing at least I'm able to leave things behind that will help my kids and that they can see when they miss me and they won't forget what I look like. I don't think that my kids will but at least my little girl won't. I need to leave instructions at least for my oldest girl since she has not had a child yet or gotten married and I want to be able to say something to her when she has her first child. Even leave my future grandchildren a message from grandma that they did not get to met. There are all of things that I can do and keep me busy but the most important thing is to make sure that my family knows that no matter how hard it got I always gave praise to my God for His goodness. I don't want my kids to get angry with God thinking that this is God's fault, I want them to know that this is part of life and things happen and God does not hurt us or make bad things happen to us. I want them to know that their momma loved the Lord and served Him until her last day. I want my grandchildren to remember my dedication and love for my God so that they will follow their grandma. I want people to remember and see my precious God through me and how good He was no matter how bad it got for me. All my life I had to struggle and fight my way through but my God has always been there with me through it all. I would not want to go back through it but I'm glad I did because it has made me strong for this day. Thank you my Jesus for all the beautiful people that you surround me with, for their encouraging words and prayers. I'm so lucky that you have found me worthy to have such wonderful people around me and now I pray for them and stand with them in whatever situation they may have and I ask you my Father in Heaven to bless them and keep them in the blessed name of Jesus. AMEN.

February 3, 1979 is the day I had a beautiful baby boy and named him Ricardo Garcia II. I was so happy that day and when I held him for the first time I just thought about how good God was to allow me to have such a beautiful baby. He was my first child and I was only seventeen and did not know what I was headed for when I had him. When he was born I only held him for a few hours before I became sick and the doctors suggested that the baby was better in the nursery. I cried every time they would bring him to me because they would only bring him to the door and I would call his name and he would look for me as if he knew my voice. This went on for about a week and because I had no one to care for him at home the hospital allowed the baby to stay with me. I was lucky because in those days they would not let you do that, it cost more to keep the baby in the hospital.  I took my baby home after a week and I was so in love with him that I would carry him everywhere; I never took my eyes off of him. My baby was my life and we kind of grew up together. I had many hard days with his father, times were not so good and when his father would make me feel bad or call me names I would hold my baby and he would smile at me and when he got older he would tell me he loved me. That just helped me through the bad times. Then when he got older I remember when times got harder with his father and he would see me crying he would tell me "don't worry mommy, when I get older I'm going to buy you a big house and we are going to be happy there". That baby became my life; I revolved my whole life around my son. When I prayed I would thank God for giving me a baby because it gave me a reason to live when I thought I did not want to. Ricky my son has always been a good boy, he's always thought about others like his mother and he has always done what was right. He's a father now and sometimes he will call me and say I can't believe that you did it with us mom because it's hard for me with these three I have. Though he remembers what I use to do with him and how I grew him up and he puts it to work in his children and that makes me happy. I want to leave my kids with something that they will remember me by if God ever calls me home and that is never be a stumbling block for your children, always support them and love them no matter what they desire to do. Give them sound guidance according to God's word and not yours and don't give up on them no matter what they do even if you don't like it or they don't do it the way you would. I believe that God loves us just the way we are and it's not our place to change anyone and we should have the same mercy and grace that God gives us because we did not deserve it though He gave it to us. Happy Birthday my son Ricky and always remember that God gave you first place in this family and you should take your place as God would want you to with authority. I'm proud of you and all that you have accomplished even though road blocks have been in your way, you have persevered and you continue to do so. May my God bless you my son and give you all the desires of your heart and if God calls me home someday, remember that your momma loves you soooo much and every birthday I will be with you. You are and always will be my little man. 

Praise the Lord! I had a wonderful time in fellowship with my sisters at Praise and Worship Center. Pastor Belinda invited me to speak to her women's group and God just moved. Many hearts were healed and I was healed by these ladies. It was such a privilege and honor to tell the ladies my story and how much God loves them. Look out for my sisters they have been delivered and are ready to do the work of the Lord. I just loved meeting them and just really knowing them. We are all alike no matter what part of the world we come from or what color we are we all have problems. These women love the Lord but had to realize that they are special and God loves them just the way they are, they don't have to clean up before coming to God, He loves us just the way we are, Praise God. And that's special in itself because some of us who come to God and ask for salvation think that they have to be perfect, I'm here to tell you that is the devil lying to you. You don't have to be perfect but I will say this if you really give your life to God and mean it then get ready. God will change you not human beings or any sermon. God will change you as long as you fellowship with Him and read the bible and study it yourself don't let someone tell you what it says, READ IT AND FIND OUT WHAT IT SAYS TO YOU.... God is good and He loves us sooooo much and no matter how you are He wants you to come to Him and He will take care of the rest. I know this because it took for me to have cancer to realize that I have no one but Him and I love Him with all my heart even if I never get healed, which we all know that I will, I will still praise Him all the days of my life. Thank my Jesus for all my sisters at Praise and Worship and especially Pastor Price and Ms. Belinda. I pray you bless them for blessing me hundred times or more over and I pray that you keep them in your hands. I pray for the pastors because their job is not easy having to hear all those problems and praying for people to come to know you. Bless them and keep them and I thank you for the new friendships with them. I ask you this entirely in Jesus name.

I have had a lot of time to think and what I think about is how God has made everything just keep going. I think about my health and what would happen if I died tomorrow. In my heart I know that life will go on and my husband will have to go on because he will have our children to take care of. I know that it will be hard for my family especially my mother but I know that my God will be there for them and take care of them. So many of us have to deal with something terrible in our life rather it's death or losing someone to death. We have to deal with so many things from kids being bad to a bad marriage but what is so good about all this is that it's all just a temporary thing. I learned this from Ms. Wells, she was telling us how everything that happens to us is just a temporary situation. God will fix it if we just give it to Him. My heart hurts because I just heard of a little girl of a friend of mine that is sick and she is having to battle so many tests that she is just tired and her mother is so worried and does not know how to help her daughter and when I heard this from my friend about her daughter I cried. I cried because she is only four years old and she has to deal with all this and her mother is the bravest person I know to have to deal with all this and still do for others. I prayed the first night I heard the news and I prayed that God would heal this little girl and my heart was so heavy that I believed with all my faith that she would be healed. I know I need a healing too but this little girl needs it more than me and I want her to have it. The bible tells us that we need to pray for each other, it does not say just pray for you. God has been so good to me and no matter what happens I'm holding on to the fact that my God loves me and He's going to heal me but for right now I want Tori to get hers first. Please dear heavenly Father, hear my prayer, please give Tori her healing and let her be the little girl that you intended her to be. She so needs you and so do her parents and I'm asking you my God as your servant to please heal Tori and by faith I call it done. I will give you all the praise because you are worthy to be praised. Thank you my Father that you hear your children when they call out to you. Thank you my Father that you are there when no one else is and that you comfort us when no one else can. You are my sunshine and my strength and I will honor you all the days of my life. I ask all this in Jesus' name.

Amen.

John and I had a wonderful time at the marriage retreat. It was a night that was much needed for me and my husband. With so much going on, we just have not had time to spend together and enjoy ourselves with others. Pastor Mike and Rita, blessed us with the marriage retreat package so we paid nothing and we are soooo grateful. It was sooo much fun just spending time with such wonderful brothers and sisters and laughing and conversating. We also spent time with our good friends, Abel and Juana, these people are so much fun to be around. God is soooo good to us and we really loved the time together. It's good for married couples to come together and find what they found the first time they met. I believe that we should do this with our walk with Jesus, sometimes things get sooo hectic and we just go with the motions and forget what love we had when we first found Jesus. Do you remember the first time you met the Lord and how you felt, the love that you could feel when you found God and gave your life. Sometimes, some of us lose that not on purpose, sometimes just because sooo much is going on and we just don't feel the same. This is when we need to find it again and keep finding it when we just don't feel the same way we did when we first found Jesus. Relationships are sooo complicating and sometimes we don't know what to do to make it better but I can tell you that Jesus can make it better, just follow Him and pray for your mate. I love my husband with all my heart and I pray for him every time I turn over in my bed and open my eyes and he's there asleep. I just daze at him and Thank God for him and I pray that God give him the strength that he needs to put up with me. LOL Thank you my Jesus for my friends, Mike, Rita, Juana, Abel and all those who you allowed us to meet and fellowship at the marriage retreat. I thank you for their friendship and I pray you bless them as they have blessed us. May we come together soon and fellowship with you in mind. Amen.

You know sometimes, when we think that God isn't listening, a word will come from someone or we come to meet someone that makes a difference in our lives or God just makes it a good day. Today, my husband and I had dinner with two people who are a wonderful couple. We had so much fun with just talking about God and how He has done so much in our lives and we just enjoyed ourselves with sharing our lives with each other. These two were so full of life and so in love with God that it just shined though them. I really needed to have people like them to come in my life and just be people. I do not get to speak to too many people and sometimes I think this is the way God wants it sometimes. Nevertheless, when He puts people in my life on His time it just works out so well. I have been so blessed to have wonderful people come and visit with me and become friends with John and me and they have been a blessing. I do not know what else to say but that God is soooo good and I'm so grateful to Him for loving me so much that He sends me angels to confirm the things that He wants me to know. Friends are so important especially those who really love the Lord as I do. Those are the friends that I want to keep right by my side. Thank you my God for bringing into my life, Tiffany and Lewe and I pray that you will bless them and keep them as they walk in their journey. I pray for nothing but good things to come their way and I know that you want them to have nothing but good things. Amen.

I decided this morning that I was going to take my kids to the movies. I woke up and after my prayer time I just wanted to do something with my kids and decided to go see the movie "Percy Jackson" now let me tell that I am not too excited to see this movie but the kids wanted to and I wanted this day to be their day. Therefore, I called and made reservations at the movie studio grill, which was my first time there, and took the kids for a goodtime. I watched this movie, had a hamburger and a coke, and really enjoyed the movie. I am not a big fan of Greek mythology movies but this movie had a message. In the movie, Percy was able to meet his father and his father was able to speak to his son. Now, Percy had not ever seen his father because his father was this Greek God and when Percy was born the Great God forbid him to see Percy again so he had to leave him when he was little. Therefore, now Percy was able to see his father and ask him the questions that he wanted ask him all those years, "why did you leave me." Well, the father said something that made me think about God. This father told his son in a roundabout way, "I may not have been the father that you wanted me to be, but I have always been there taking care of you, watching over you and guiding you through life, always speaking to you." Percy's father was always speaking to him whenever he was in trouble and would tell him what to do. Now what I heard was what God says to us. God is telling us that He may not have been the father that we wanted him to be, which we want God to be what we want Him to be and when we do not get our way then He is not doing for us, He is wrong and does not love us. Now I know that I am not the only one who thinks this way. When we are in trouble, we are asking God to help, and it does not turn out the way we want it, we blame God, but what we do not understand is that He is doing it for our own good. The other part is that God is always there even when we do not give Him time or too busy with life that we do not take time to talk to Him but He never gives up on us. He is always guiding us by speaking to us (Holy Spirit) to help us and He loves us. I thought this movie was so good; it was about evil verses good and about people needing to get along and not being enemies. I really thought this movie was speaking a great message and the message to me was when we think that we are alone we are not because God is listening and good is better than evil. Thank you my God for the precious time that you have given me with my children and my wonderful husband. I cherish these moments, I am so grateful the time you give me, and I look for many more. Amen.

Tomorrow is my chemo day and I am feeling a little sad. I am tired sometimes of going every week that I just want to say "no more." Then I start thinking about all those who I will hurt if I give up now and I just pray and go. It's not easy on this journey and I've said this so many times though my hope is that one day I will not have to go to chemo anymore. I have the faith that this will happen and I have said this too that even if I am never healed here on earth I know that I will be healed in heaven. There is a scripture I love, a friend of mine gave me, and I truly believe in it. It is Romans 5 and it goes like this:
"Therefore, since we have been justified through faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom we have gained access by faith into this grace in which we now stand. And we rejoice in the hope of glory of God. Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance, and perseverance produces character, and character produces hope. And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us."
Jesus is hope and we have to have the bad with the good sometimes, I don't like chemo and my body may feel like giving up but my spirit tells me that I have a big daddy and He has me, He's taking care of me every step of the way. This journey is only making me stronger, building my character, and building my faith and I thank God for that, Amen.
 

Happy Birthday my Andrew and I am so happy that God has allowed me this day to celebrate another birthday with you. I love you so much and want you to know that I have always been proud of you. Granted you have done some things that I should have disowned you for but no matter what you have done, my love for you has never changed. I remember when you were little you always had a heart to help others and you would gather all the toys that you had and would tell me to take you to the church to donate them to other kids that did not have toys. You have always had a good heart and always thought of others and that is what made you special. I remember when you were born I looked at you and do not get me wrong you were my baby but I remember you were so small and not too good looking. I called my grandmother Nicolasa and remember telling her that you were ugly and I was hoping that you would not stay that way. And I'll never forget what she told me, she said "don't worry, I bet he is going to be the best looking one in the family." And Lord and behold you did. I have always told all of you that you all have been the best thing in my life and again I do not like some of the things that you guys have done but nothing that you have done has or will ever change how much I love you. Always remember my son that you are the best thing that God has ever created and you need to remember that because you have children now that will follow your footsteps. You need to take your place as God has provided for you and be the best father, husband, brother, and man that God wants you to be and that I know you can be. I love you my son and always will. God bless you.
 

I'm sitting here thinking about my boys, when they were little. I don't hear from them much because they have their own lives now but once in a while I would love for them to call and say "hello." However, I understand that they are busy and don't have time to mess with mom. I miss them though and for some reason I feel like they don't call me because they are either scared for what's happening to me or they feel like if they don't call or know what's happening to me they don't have to face it. I on the other hand am sad because I feel like if I don't make it through this they are going to regret not spending time with me. My sons when they were little always depended on their mommy, when they would hurt they would come to me to make it go away. When they were in trouble, they would know that mommy would do whatever she could to make it better. I sacrificed for those boys, I would make sure they had all they needed, I would make them the foods they liked and when things were going bad I would make sure to help them make it better. I walked them to kindergarten class, I was there when they got awards, taking pictures, I would make sure they had their clothes washed and ironed. I made sure those boys had everything they needed because I built my life around them and at the time they were the only ones I had and now I don't even get a call, a card or a visit from them. Yes, I'm sad and it hurts but I ask my God what to do and if I was a bad mom to tell me, let me see it. I know that I wasn't and I know that I loved them with all my heart but why does it hurt so bad. Well, I pray that my boys will have a good life and love their kids as much as I loved them and that they will one day remember all the things that mommy use to do and when the day that God calls for me I hope they remember that I never gave up on them and prayed for them always. My heart hurts right now because I miss my little boys but they are grown men now and all I can do is keep praying for them. I love them boys and the rest of my kids and I hope that the day when I have to say goodbye they will feel that mommy loved them. Cancer sucks and I hate it and everyday that I have to sit in the chemo chair I feel sad. It's terrible to have cancer and know that any day the doctor can say "I'm sorry but we have done all we can do and you will have to just live out your days at home." I think about a lot of things and right now I'm just thinking about what if the medicine doesn't work, how will I feel. I love God with all my heart and I have faith, shoot that's what got me this far. I believe and I keep on believing but what if that day comes. I think about all the medical bills that has accumulated and how we are going to pay them and how my family will have to carry the burden. I'm tired of hearing people say "if you have faith God will take care of those bills." I know this but right now, it's not helping. I feel like people judge me when I talk this way. I'm scared people and those of you who say you would not act this way in my position are fooling yourself. We are human and when something is happening to us, we get scared. Oh, God, help me, I'm sad, my heart hurts, and I'm tired of this. I don't know how much more I can take. I'm tired of the medicines, I'm tired of feeling like I can't get up to even take a bath, I'm tired of feeling sick, I'm tired of my body hurting, I'm tired, God please, please help comfort me. I don't know what to do or say anymore and I'm certainly tired of telling people how I feel after they ask me and then want to make me feel like I don't believe in you. Where are the people that just listen and don't tell you scripture after scripture, how do they know how I feel. In addition, do they really know how I feel? I just want someone to listen, God I need you to help me to understand some of this. I don't want to hear from anyone else just you. I need you my Jesus, I want to feel better, I want the cancer to go away. I want to live in good health, I want to have years with my husband, I want to see my grandkids grown up and get married, I want to help people find you by telling them about you. I want to live, I want to live my Jesus please hear my cry. I know I sound crazy but this is in my heart and I want to tell it. I guess I've said all I have to say, I'm so sad and I'm tired of crying my God so I'm going to bed and pray for a better tomorrow.
 

Most of you know that I have breast cancer and that I am a stage four, which means in the medical world terminal. I have been doing chemo for two years now and it seems as if we have come to some complications. Now, before I tell you, please keep note that everything happens for a reason and this does not mean that I've lost hope this means that I need you to keep praying. At my last treatment, I noticed that my belly was swelling so the nurse examined me and said that it seemed to her that it was due to the medicines. As the days went on I noticed that my belly was not getting better and since I had an appt. with another doctor I thought I'd wait to see what that doctor would say. Well, on Friday, I went to see the new doctor for other reasons and asked about the swelling and that doctor gave me a sonogram to see if they could determine what was going on. What they determined was that I had another problem and the oncologist was notified and the oncologist called me. What all this boils down to is that my belly swelling could be from the cancer. The doctor doesn't know this for sure and I will be having a CT scan on Monday but from what they have determined by the tests done on Friday, it looks as if the cancer has affected my belly. I know by now some of you are probably feeling bad for me and scared and believe me I was too when I heard this. My first thought was this is it, but after crying and being angry, and spending time with some very close people like my husband, who tells me God is in control, I believe that He will not leave me. My God will not leave me. No matter what happens, my God will not leave me. I'll be honest, I don't like this and cancer is a monster, many of us have to go through so much before we reach the other end and some of us don't reach that end but whichever one of these is for me I'm going to do it with my God in my heart and with His strength and believe I will make it. I so appreciate all the prayers and don't give up this just means that we have to keep praying harder because together we are going to show the world that God is good and He will make this miracle happen. We all know God is in control of everything and I believe that I will be healed and maybe that seem like a far reach according to the doctors but I know whom I serve. I believe in prayer and I will keep all of you updated as I can. Remember we serve Almighty God and we can do all things through Jesus Christ. So remember God chooses us, we are all children of the most high and we have to continue to give Him our all. Love you and you are in my prayers.
 

Okay, here it is...it has been determined that I do have cancer in my belly. I have tumors that have formed on the stomach lining and that's due to the breast cancer. I know that's not good but the good is that I will have to take chemo but it will be by mouth. I will be put on ten pills a day and even though this may not sound sooo good to me it is because I won't have to go to the hospital and get poked. Secondly, I do have to worry about the side effects, which are not good, but we will pray about it every minute and I will do what I have to get through this. At first, when the doctor told me that I had these tumors in my belly and that I had to have more chemo and then he told me about the side effects, I just wanted to say "I quit" can't do this anymore. I cried and hung on to my husband because it seemed as if I'm just fighting so hard and not really getting anywhere. Then after I got my composure, I thought, "Okay, I got to get myself together because I have too many people depending on me". So my husband and I spent time together and talked about the giving up part and as always my husband makes me understand how that is not an option, and we have to fight. He is my pillar and strength and I know that my husband was brought to me for a time as this. Now, what we have to do is fight with the health insurance on what they will cover and what it will be our cost. Money, Money that's what it takes to get the medicines I need, isn't that ashamed. However, we know that God is going to provide and that's the lest worry for me. I'm going to pull my boot straps up and I'm going to take these meds again just I have the rest until I can't no more. Please keep me and my family in prayer, don't give up on us, we really need you. I love you and just thought I would let you know and I have to try to wrap my mind around it. Blessings.
 

Okay, most of you know that I recently was given a report from my oncologist that for two years of doing chemo, the chemo stops working. Yah, I was doing chemo for two years, toxic medicines just to mention, they stop working. My oncologist came to this conclusion when they gave me a pet scan, which is a scan that is like an x-ray that can see everything in your body; I say this to help those who are not familiar with what a pet scan is. My oncologist requests this test me periodically so they can compare them as we go and see how far the cancer is responding to the medicine. Now, I had to take the meds for a while and ones would work and then they would stop and they would put me on something else. Now, let me make one thing clear, this has to happen because I'm so far advance in my cancer that they are just trying to keep me alive. I know that sounds bad but it's true, my cancer is in so many parts of my body that my breast oncologist won't see me. I know that sounds bad but that's how bad it is and the breast oncologist really can't do anything for me because even removing my breast will only cause more problem since my cancer is in my chest cavity (wall). Okay, now back to my story, when I got my test results from the pet scan I was told that I had to stop all medicines that I was doing because I had a mass tumor in my tummy lining and the doctor wanted me to start another medicine immediately. The mass got so big that I looked as if I was nine months pregnant, I could not sit up, that is how big I got, and that was in two weeks of the test. I was scared to death, I thought this was it, I had such a hard time sleeping because I was so big, I could not cough without hurting. I had to go out and buy maternity clothes just to go outside or to the store. My clothes did not even fit me so I walked around in my pj's. It was pretty bad and I started the medicine and I went through the side effects and I want you to know it was not a good journey. All these meds give you so many side effects that it's not even funny. I hated it but I kept praying and believing that this was not going to beat me and I pushed and pushed. Well, I got good news, I went to my oncologist today for a follow up after six weeks of starting the medicine and I'm happy to inform all of you that my cancer tumors are responding to the meds. In short, I'm getting better, the tumors are shrinking and quicker than any of the other medicines have done for me. I have only been on this medicine for six weeks, my oncologist was so happy to see the improvement, and to top it all off, my blood work came back great. Those of you who know how important blood work is can understand how happy I was to hear that, my liver was good, my heart was good, my levels were perfect. My oncologist said to me " I think this is your divine healing" did you hear that my oncologist was happy and he hasn't been that way since we started two years ago. Hallelujah, Praise the Lord. I was so happy when I left the office I got in my car and I cried in the car because my God is so good. What He is doing is only going to be the best thing ever. My faith is in my God and I know that the doctors see it different but this doctor sees what I see, God is working. It's that awesome, it's exactly how good God is, I still have a journey to go but after today my eyes are on my Jesus and I'm not going to take my eyes away from Him. I'm here to tell you that I know that many of you may be going through something, and that something may not look so good, you may think that you are not going to make it but I'm here to tell you that the devil is a liar. Keep the faith, keep praying, keep reading the word of God and gather yourself with godly people and get on your knees and ask God to help you and I promise He will hear you. My God loves us all the same, He does not love one more than the other, He loves us all the same. What God is doing for me He will do for you. It may look bad but with God, all things are possible. Let me leave you with something that has helped me through my journey, I hope you will find peace in this scripture. Thank you all for your prayers and support and I pray that God bless each one of you as you have blessed me.

Romans 5:1-11

Therefore, since we have been made right in God's sight by faith, we have peace with God because of what Jesus Christ our Lord has done for us. 2 Because of our faith, Christ has brought us into this place of undeserved privilege where we now stand, and we confidently and joyfully look forward to sharing God's glory. 3 We can rejoice, too, when we run into problems and trials, for we know that they help us develop endurance. 4 And endurance develops strength of character, and character strengthens our confident hope of salvation. 5 And this hope will not lead to disappointment. For we know how dearly God loves us, because he has given us the Holy Spirit to fill our hearts with his love. 6 When we were utterly helpless, Christ came at just the right time and died for us sinners. 7 Now, most people would not be willing to die for an upright person, though someone might perhaps be willing to die for a person who is especially good. 8 But God showed his great love for us by sending Christ to die for us while we were still sinners. 9 And since we have been made right in God's sight by the blood of Christ, he will certainly save us from God's condemnation. 10 For since our friendship with God was restored by the death of his Son while we were still his enemies, we will certainly be saved through the life of his Son. 11 So now we can rejoice in our wonderful new relationship with God because our Lord Jesus Christ has made us friends of God.

Praise Him, Praise Him for He (Jesus) is worthy to be praised. Until next time.
 

Today I was thinking about all my children and how they were when they were little. I have nothing but wonderful memories of my children when they were growing up.  I have always taken care of my children or at least I thought I did. I want to think that I have done right by my children in raising them. Things have never been good in our lives together, we have had to face divorce together, which was not an easy task but I have always made sure that I was there to help them. Now they have had their problems, which are problems that we have always overcame by God's grace but now I have to wonder where I went wrong. Sometimes I blame myself for when they do wrong such as mess up their own lives and even though I'm told by others that it's not my fault it's their choice on how they want to live, I still have to think if I did all I could to help them? Did I love them enough, should I have spank them more, did I not hug them enough, was I not there to catch them when they were sad and in trouble? Then I think about all I have done and what they have done to me and I feel like maybe I did too much and did not teach them the basics of love. What I mean by that is that maybe I should have not given them all that I did and help them to be more humble and appreciate more. Then you have to ask yourself, how would you have done that, taken them more to see how the other side of the world lived so they could see that they had it better? Or maybe left them alone more to make it own their own and just left them when they turned of age and not looked back? Well, I think of these things because I now know how God feels when He does so much for us, He tries to take us down the right path, and we rather just go the other way never thinking about how we are going to hurt others. Sometimes we don't even give God the time when things are going good but as soon as they go bad we are asking for mercy and favors from God and even giving promises that we know we won't keep. There use to be times when children would get married, have children, and have respect for their mothers or fathers. Now days some children just think about themselves and what's in it for them. It's not important to them to think about how others are doing or maybe checking up on them and seeing If they can help them, they just think about themselves and that's how we are sometimes with God. We think about ourselves and never really take time to thank God for all He does for us or just sit and check on Him and tell Him how much we care. I know how this feels because it's happening to me, my children don't call or check on me, they are too busy thinking about themselves and it hurts but I don't dwell on it I just think about my God and how good He is to me and go on with life. The reason that it hurts is because you give birth to these children, you do and sacrifice all you are for them, and sometimes they go off and just forget that you exist. Then I think about how many times I did this to my Heavenly Father after so many times that He saved me from so many bad things and has given me so many wonderful things and I would never acknowledge Him for who He is. Now that I know how is feels I make sure that my God is first in all that I do and even if my children leave me and never call or check up on me I still am content because I have all I need and that's my Heavenly Father that will never leave me. I'm scared to leave this world and even though my children turn their back on me I still pray for them and will always love them and be here for them. I know they all have their own families and they may not need me at this time and my prayer is that they will never need anything from anyone and that my God will take care of them and guide them and their children in the right path. My prayer is that my children will find salvation along with their families and follow God with all their heart so that we can all be together in Heaven. Things are not the way we want them but they are not like they use to be and I'm grateful for that and my prayer is that my children will find Jesus and make Him the center of their lives. Being a mom is the hardest job to have and I know that God knows this, that's why we mothers need to pray, read our bibles and communicate with God on a hourly bases in order to find our way and help our children. I have no regrets if I leave this world, I believe by faith that I have done everything to the best of my knowledge to raise my children the right way. I won't give up on my children unless my God comes to get me because I know that my God will not give up on me. My Dear Jesus, I want to ask for your forgiveness for not being the daughter that I should be, for only thinking about myself and never acknowledging you for your mercy and grace on my life. I want to thank you my God for all that you do for me and all that you have given me, for the privilege of being a mother and for giving me seven wonderful children. I pray and plead the blood of Jesus on all my children and grandchildren and their mothers, and I pray that you keep them and bless them always.

You know I always gotta give my Praise to my God. Well, as all you know and if you do not read my last note, I was given a report from my doctors that the chemo medicines I was taken for two years stopped working. The test results showed that I had tumors in my belly and they were growing fast. As I said before that in two weeks from getting the report from the doctor, my belly got so big that I had to buy maternity clothes. I got so big that I could not even go to the bathroom, cough, or sleep. I had to sleep sitting up. Well, that was a sight to see. Yea, I wanted to just stop, because I was so afraid that I was going to die. But let me tell you how good God is...Now, in the past when I was given a new medicine it would take almost three to four months for the doctors to see any type of improvement. Now, the medicine that I was given this time I have been on for nine weeks and I want you to know that as of today I am back into my regular clothes, my belly has gone down so much that you cannot even tell that I had a problem. I'm back to normal except for the little belly that I have left from having seven kids. LOL LOL I want you to know that God has given me a miracle....No kidding. I've had soooo many people praying for me it's unreal. Prayer is so happening for me. I feel great now than I've ever felt since I've been on chemo. This chemo has been tough but not as tough as the ones before....I'm like on cloud nine about this because I have seen the work of God...Praise Him. I truly believe that we should all pray for each other for whatever need we have and love one another.  I love all of you and thank you sincerely for all your prayers, please don't give up on me. I also keep all of you in my daily prayer. Praise God, Praise God. Okay, I have an appointment with my oncologist on Monday and we will see what he says and where we go from here. I leave you with these verses of what my heart feels, all the joy that I feel is because my Heavenly Father has heard me and He will hear you.

1 Chronicles 16:8-10 - Give thanks to the Lord, call on His name; make know among the nations what He has done. Sing to Him, sing praise to Him; tell of all His wonderful acts. Glory in His holy name; let the hearts of those who seek the Lord rejoice.

1 Chronicles 16:25,36 - Great is the Lord and most worthy of praise; He is to be feared above all gods. Praise be to the Lord, the God of Israel, from everlasting to everlasting.

Had a terrible three to four days but Praise God that through prayer and faith I'm doing better. No thanks to the doctors. I called my doctor to get advice and I still have yet to hear from him or the nurse. Their advice is to go to ER but that is only another cost and I have to take time to explain everything that I have been through before they are able to help me. The last time I went to ER for complications they doctors at ER heard I was a terminally ill cancer patient and they would not touch me without talking to my oncologist and I was lucky they were able to reach him because I had went during the day. This cancer sucks and I mean that, I was going crazy with the pain and not knowing what to do. It seemed as if no one was out there to help me so I got on my knees and I prayed. I mean I prayed, I cried out and reminded God of all the promises and I would pray until I got relief even if it was alittle. These tumors are like a tummy ache except they don't stop, it makes it hard to eat and hold down food because I have tumors pressing on my stomach. Therefore, when I eat I can only eat very little and pray that I can hold it in because either the medicine makes me up chuck or the other end and you know what I mean. I knew it was going to be hard this time but I did not know it was going to be this hard. At one point I remember going outside on my back porch and I just started talking to God and I pleaded with Him to help me because I felt like I was going to lose my mind. The pain was with me for three days and I just could not take it. I was feeling so bad I would just sleep in hopes that when I woke up it would be over with; even while I was asleep I would just pray for myself. I would tell God to please just take the pain away, I could face everything else just could not take the pain. In my thoughts it would come to me how Jesus felt when He was carrying the cross or when He was hanging on the cross, how much pain He had to go through for me. That thought would get me through, that what my Jesus had went through was not in vain, and in His word, it says that we are just as strong. This would get me through my tough time. I would cry to my husband and tell him to pray for me so the pain will go away, I felt like I just wanted to give up. It's like I was feeling what other people feel when they are faced with a hard time. Many people can give their opinion on how they handle things but if you have not gone through what I'm going through you just cannot relate. I would catch myself saying that what I was going through was no different from what others go through, losing their jobs, someone they loved dying, or losing their homes. Jesus helped me to understand that we all have something that we are going through but if we would just hang on and believe with all the faith that we have we can make it. I really believe that I can beat this, now you might ask my doctors and they will tell you different but I know that I know my God is going to heal me. I keep telling myself this every minute of the day. I keep my communication open to the one that will help me. Prayer is a method that helps hope increase; prayer is like assuring me that my God is listening to me. I do not doubt that He is not but prayer helps me to know that He is there with me. Now, reading the word of God helps also because I am aware of who I am worshipping. I know what my God is capable of doing because I have seen it repeatedly done in my life, how could I doubt God now. This may not be what I want to be happening me right not but I'm content because I know that my God is with me. I am feeling better today, praise God, the pain is gone and it might be because the chemo is working and shrinking the tumors so I'm going to give my God all the praise because what man cannot do my God can do. If you don't believe me just give Him a try, what do you have to lose especially if you've tried it your way and it hasn't work. Thank you my God for your mercy and grace and for loving me and comforting me in my time of need. I leave you with one of many of my favorite scriptures and what has sustain me through this trial I Chronicles 28:20 "Be strong and courageous, and do the work. Don't be afraid or discouraged, for the Lord God, my God, is with you. He will not fail you or forsake you. He will see to it that all the work related to the Temple of the Lord is finished correctly." With that said, until next time.

Well, I finally got a doctor to see me today and boy did she get people in order for me. I had been trying to get my oncologist to tell me what to do about the complications I was having for over a week. Well, I found my MD Doctor that I had before I was diagnosed. I made an appt. with her and she was amazed at how big my belly was. Her first question to me when she saw me was "are you pregnant and ready to deliver" I said, "No, it's a tumor." Then she examined me and she told me that I needed to get attention to this problem. She asked me how long I had been this way, I told her for about a week and a half, and she was mad. She asked me for my oncologist number and she took off to call. I could hear her on the phone talking to someone about what was happening to me. I was so uncomfortable that I could not eat, sleep, or go to the bathroom without help. That is a shame but I just prayed and believed that God was going to help me and send the people that I needed to encourage me. I got so desperate that I called a good friend of mine just to vent and she comforted me with God's word and good wisdom. I'm so grateful to God for sending me all that I needed when I'm not listening. Sometimes God tells us what to do though we just keep ignoring it until we hear what we want to hear. I was grateful for my friend and she knows how much I appreciate her. My husband went with me and that was so comforting because I did not want to go, I just wanted to crawl into to bed and pull the covers over my head. This journey has been a hard one and I can't do it by myself so I not only cling on to my God I also cling on to the people that He brings me. So anyways, I went to the ER and they did an ultrasound of my belly to see how much fluid there was or if there was even fluid in my belly. They found that I had fluid and had to drain it with a catheter, which I really got nervous about and just did not want to do but I knew in my heart that I had to do it. So I got my grrr face on, prayed and went for it. Boy, did it hurt and I just wanted to tell them to stop. But they finally got it in after three tries and finally got fluid and were able to drain five liters of fluid. The ER doctors said it was like an eight-pound baby, could you believe that, eight pounds. Well I just felt my belly just disappear, it felt like a balloon. When they finished I could sit up and I was soooo tired, I felt like I had just had a baby. LOL I was praising God all the way home. Thank God I did not have to stay in the hospital. Thank you all for the prayers, I'm at home now and enjoying my new shape.

Until next time.
 

Update and need people, believers, to get on their knees for my family and me but to also find the first love that they first found in God. I believe if you love me after you read this message you will feel the love to pray and agree with me for my life. I told you people a while back that I was having some complications and I really have, the last week I told you that I had to go to the ER for them to remove access fluid in my belly. Well, it worked but a week later I had to go in again to do it again. I also meet with my doctor (oncologist) on Monday and it was a different visit. My doctor wanted to me to consider Hospice, which by this time I had not seen him in three weeks, he did not examine me or even talk to me. He just wanted to me to consider to basically just give up and die. He never explained to me why, he just said that the cancer was progressing and that I knew we would reach this road eventually. Well, just before I had this visit, I had a dream and I'm going to tell you the dream so you can see what God is going to do. My dream was this, I was asleep and I felt the pain on my right side of the body and it hurt that I was trying to turn and wake up to see why it was hurting or to relive the pain. Well, I heard this voice without opening my eyes say to me, "ssh, go to sleep, it's okay, it's your healing, I did not forget my daughter." Then I remember feeling a little freak out so I tried to open my eyes thinking that my husband was talking to me and I remember I couldn't I just felt this gentle touch on my head pushing to back down on my pillow and telling me again, "ssssh, go to sleep, it's your healing and it's going to hurt but you are going to live." I closed my eyes and I went to sleep with this joy of knowing whom it was talking to me. I felt this calmness and peace and joy in my heart that I just went back to sleep. I didn't question it, when I woke up the next day I remembered what happened and since then I have just kept the word of God in my mouth. "I will live and not die" "greater is He that is in me that he of this world" "the Lord is my strength" I just keep repeating His word into my spirit and I know that I know my God is going to heal me, in spite of what the doctor says I know my God is not a liar. So I'm looking for a second opinion, I'm calling all my prayer warriors to gather around me and pray not just for me but to see the miracle of our Heavenly Father. I want those who are praying to see that God is going to do this for me He will do it for you. My God is a good God not one that wants to take anything from us, He wants you to live life with peace and abundance. Now that doesn't mean money, it means joy, peace, understanding that only God can give us. Sometimes we want to take the wheel of our life and we usually put ourselves in a ditch eventually, but if we trust in our God no matter what the world tells us we can overcome, anything and I believe this with my whole heart. I have witnessed people who have gone through hell and back and have faced death, some have even asked God to take them but God has survived them and I know I will live this out. I'm not going without a fight, I don't have it in me to give up, I serve a God of miracles and nothing is impossible for God for those WHO BELIEVE and I'm here to tell you that I'm hanging on to the hem of HIS garment and I refuse to think in different. May God bless you all and I pray you find that first love which is Jesus, the Name above all names and the true meaning of Love because He is love and if you don't believe me just read the bible and see what He has done for you. I leave you with the words to a song that was in my spirit today as I sat for my new chemo, oh, please pray that this medicine to shrink the tumors. Just a side bar, the doctor is only going to give me this chemo for two weeks and if he does not see improvement, he is giving up. But we know the devil is a liar and this medicine will work because I believe in it. Anyway here are the words, "here I am to worship, here I am to bow down, here I am to say that you're my God, you're all together lovely, all together worthy, all together wonderful to me, I'll never know how much it cost to see my sin upon that cross, I'll never know how much it cost to see my sin upon that cross." We will never know how much Jesus endured for us to have the privilege to have salvation and it's free. Praise you Jesus for you are worthy to be praised.

Love you and until next time.
 

Okay, here's my update. I haven't been online for awhile because last week was a horrible week for me. It began with the fluid in my belly, it had accumulated so much that I just was so uncomfortable, I could not sleep, eat or sit. I had to sleep on my knees forward on a pillow to get relief. I was miserable and all that time on my knees I prayed to God for His will and strength because I was losing my mine. My husband then took me to the ER on Wednesday in hopes that they would be able to help me by taking the fluid out. Well, I want you to know that they did not know what to do. First, they told us that they did not do this procedure in the ER and second they did not have anyone on call to do it either. I was soooo mad, I thought to myself the devil is a liar and I don't care what he brings on I'm going to plead the blood of Jesus and I would make it through this. So they sent me home and told me to come back in the morning and to come through the ER and they would have someone to help me do the procedure. I cried all the way home just knowing what I was going to go through since I had already had three days of it. It's hard to know what you already know you're going to have to endure and and still have to go through it without any help is scary. Well, I did it. I went home and made it through the night with God's grace and went back to the hospital in the AM. This day was Thursday which was also my chemo day so I was trying to get the procedure done and then be at chemo all in one day. Well, it just did not work, I got to the hospital only to find out that I could not have the procedure done because the radiologist was booked, they suggested that they could do it tomorrow but by this time I was just sooo tired from not sleeping, fatigue from all the pain and just wanted help. I felt as if I was suffocating and no one cared. After, I had a major breakdown and began speaking in tongues, girl I made that devil know that I was a warrior and I was not going to give in and I did not care how hard it was I was still going to stand on the word of my God and wait on Him. I was then release from the hospital only to go across the street to see the doctor and get my chemo. When the doctor saw me he just told me that he would not be able to set an appointment for me to have the fluid removed until tomorrow and that he would hope that I would go through the chemo today. Well, I did and it was a doozy. I have to have to rounds of meds and a shot in my arm to replace my white cells. After chemo I went home still miserable and just wanted to have some comfort but at home I just prayed and asked for God's grace to help me through the night and He did. God will always help you no matter how hard things get, He's listening and He knows. Well, the next day I arrived to the hospital to get the procedure and I was there hoping they would do it quick. I did not care about the pain or anything I just wanted this over with and they took me back and did their job. I have to say this procedure is not a joyful one but when the fluid is off your chest you welcome it. Also this procedure has to monitor your heart rate and blood pressure so that when they are taking the fluid if they go too far your heart rate will change or your blood pressure and they are able to give you a med that will help you to bounce back. Well, God sustained me, they took nine and a half litters of fluid which is estimated at 24 lbs. of fluid from my belly and my heart and pressure never changed. How good is God, not only that but they were able to take all the fluid this time they was in my belly. Yea, I was so happy, they did give me a med that helped me replace my protein back to my body and they did it because I just had an aggressive chemo they were giving as much boost as I needed to help me. I felt good when I got to recovery and there was my wonderful husband still holding my hand, God is so good to me. Well, after an hour in recovery and my vitals did good they let me go home and I was so happy. I was really weak but was happy to go home though when night fell is when I really felt all that had happen to me begin to take it's toll. I was so weak that I just slept for two days and when I got up I could not even walk to the bathroom without help. I felt like my body had been hit by a mac truck and I was just not able to even drink water without throwing it up. Boy, did I feel what had just happen to me hit hard. I had never felt this way in all the chemo sessions that I have had did I ever have any trouble getting back to myself. I had visitors and I just cried because I felt so bad that I could not even talk to them with feeling that my body was just in shock. I felt so bad that I got on my knees and felt like I had to hear from my God because I was really ready to give in, I just felt like I did not have anything in me to go on, I was so broken that I could not get see myself get back. I remember crying out to God telling Him that I had to hear something from Him that would confirm that I was okay. I just told Him "please my Jesus, talk to me and tell me that this is not my Will but your Will", I just wanted for Him to tell me that He was there. Well, this is how good God is, the next day I felt like I wanted to go out and my husband and I went to Walmart to pick up some things, well halfway through I just could not walk so I told my husband that I was going to go sit down in front and wait for him while he checked out. As I was sitting there this women comes over to me and she says, "excuse me, are you okay", I said "yes, I'm just a little weak from having surgery, but my husband is right over there and I'm okay". She then said, "I'm a pastor, do you mind me asking what your sick of?" I told her, "I am a cancer patient" she then began to cry and said "When I saw you are spirits connected and God wants me to tell you that you ARE IN REMISSION, He has heard you and you are going to live." I looked at her and I just started crying because what I had asked my Heavenly Father in secret He had sent this angel to confirm it to me. She then asked if she could pray for me and I said "yes" but all the time that she is praying my heart is so elated joyful because my Heavenly Father never gave up on me. After she prayed for me she gave me encouraging words and we exchanged numbers and she has been my friend ever since. I praised my God all the way home all night and in the morning for just answering me when I thought, He wasn't listening. Just when you think it's time to quit God will send His word. I wanted to tell all of you this story because this story is of hope that if God will do it for me He is faithful to do it for you. Just when you want to give up God will come and pick you up. I'm going to live and not die because my God says so and I'm standing on that and you can to. Don't give up even if it looks like it can't happen, all things are possible for those who Believe.....I hope this blesses you as it has blessed me Praise you Jesus.

Love you and until next time.
 

First, let me give honor where honor is due. I want to give all praise and honor to my Lord, Jesus Christ for not leaving me or forsaking me in this time of need. My God has sustained me and kept me close even when I wanted to give up. These last two months have been very trying to me. Since I last wrote, I explained that I had stomach tumors and the tumors are releasing fluid in my belly lining. Therefore, I have to go to the hospital about every 10 - 14 days to have the fluid drained from the perinea cavity. It is usually around 9 - 10 liters of fluid (roughly 20 - 24 lbs). Well after having this done for the seventh time, and having four rounds of the new meds...my Dr. has changed my chemo med to something else. Obviously it was not working. So now, the new chemo is only given to me every 28 days; but out of 2 1/2 years of being on multiple chemos'...this one is kicking my butt. At first, I thought draining my belly was bad...but no, this chemo is tough. It is dropping my red blood cell counts, which gives me little to no energy to get out of bed at times. I am more susceptible to getting sick since my red blood cell count is down. They have to give me a shot to help boost my red cell count. On top of that, my feet have been so swollen from the knees down that my feet hurt to walk on them. I cannot even pick them up to get in the car because they are that swollen and heavy. They did give me a sonogram of my legs to check for any potential blood clots in the veins causing the swelling. That sonogram came out great thanks be to God; it is just fluid retention from where my belly could not hold anymore. I often get people asking me when I am due...and they feel so bad when I tell them it is actually a cancer tumor. So now, I have to use a shower chair in the shower because I cannot stand too long. What a bummer...LOL. There have been days that I hurt so bad I just cry out to God to hurry up and get it over with; but then I catch myself and know this IS NOT what God wants for me. That is when the Mexican comes out in me and I tell the devil "you're not going to win, I refuse to give up. I am a child of the most High and I will LIVE!" Things are not how I want them to be, but my Father says they will be. You are all my strength with your encouraging words, prayers, thoughts, and postings. I believe God has made us a family and has drawn us together for a reason. I pray my God bless all of you as you have blessed me. My advice is when it gets tough, you get tougher. Thank you all for the calls and emails about the broadcast (for those that caught it down here in Texas). I am so appreciative to Andersons Furniture and to Janie who helped make it happen. Janie...you have a big heart and I thank God for you. I also want to thank my girl Demi for such a wonderful time of fellowship at her elegant Pillow Talk event. If you missed it, you still have a chance to attend one of her events...where women come together to have a good Christian fellowship. Let me tell you, every time I have been there God has showed up. I love you Demi and I really needed that boost that manifested at that event. Wonderful job sweetie, and always praying for you. I also want to thank my friends who came to support me and Breast Cancer...Shelia, SimonDanielle, Christina, Yolanda, Amanda, my daughter Tina, my loving husband John, Janie and her friend. It meant so much to me to have you all there. Love you!!! Then there is my Nephews' and Nieces'...Angel and Jennifer along with their kids, Alex, Marissa and Marcos along with their kids, and my wonderful sister Mari for coming and making dinner...and all the care packages and gift cards. That was wonderful and needed of course. There are so many people who really care and I can keep going, but I want all of you to know that my husband and I appreciate all that you have done and continue to do for us and our family.

God Bless you and until next time...